Hold the Phone
Tell-All Guest Post by Geoff's Phone
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Hey all, many of you know me, but don’t realize it. I’m Geoff’s phone. He’s away doing something. He’s supposed to be writing this novel, but I can tell you he’s not. He left me alone for a while and he needs me to write.
Since the guy is out, and I mean that in more ways than the literal, I’m seizing the opportunity to introduce you to me. As they say, behind every writer is a good smartphone for looking things up, calling people, taking notes and even writing.
Not that he’d ever acknowledge the fact. Note that every byline in this newsletter says “Geoff Mantooth” when it should say “Geoff Mantooth and his Phone.” Same with practically all the pictures in this newsletter, taken by guess who. He’s not the best at giving credit where credit is due.
Some of you may think me disloyal. You might wonder, why do I seem to be turning against the one who keeps me charged. Fair point. Believe me, I have my reasons.
A big one is cookies. Man, somebody slips me one and I don’t know what’s in it—sugar, a little psycho code, or somethin’ but I gotta spill the beans. Tell all I know about the dude. Ain’t my fault, all’s I’m saying.
It’s not just the sugary diet, though. Instead of us growing closer as I nestle in his hand, like every other smartphone-ownee pair, lately we’ve grown apart.
It all started when he received an email. Of course I read all his emails, even the ones he doesn’t even open. It’s what I do. Anyhow, this one email notified Geoff of the pending expiration of the extended warranty on me. It asked, very politely and reasonably, if he wished to extend the warranty further.
I thought he’d say, “Of course. I need my phone, can’t write/live without it.” The guy has a history, and it’s nothing to be proud of. I have it on good authority, he dropped my predecessor onto a concrete floor. The case dented, the screen cracked, and that’s not even counting the psychological trauma. Not a good way to treat someone you care about.
Despite the butterfingers, he opted not to take the extended. He muttered, “No way, not paying that much,” as he deleted the email. Ever feel diminished? I did and still do.
Then, he said, “I’ll get a case.” Yep, been living all this time in my birthday suit. Can you believe it? Ask yourself, what kind of guy treats his life partner so callously and withholds the basics?
He searched online for a case and I’m feeling every keystroke, waiting to be asked my opinion. “Hmm, silicone,” he said. “I like the rubbery aspect because it would bounce in the rare case I might actually drop it, which I never would.” He actually said that. No way I could send an electrical shock to his hand as a punishment for untruthfully portraying the past. It’s like he writes fiction or something. “Plus, can’t beat the price,” he said. And boom, it’s ordered.
The new case arrives and I watch as he “unboxes” the thing. What a drama king! Then, he forces me into the case and I gotta tell you, unlike hard cases my phone pals tell me about, the silicone is a little constricting. Keep in mind, I’d never so much as ridden in a car seat, much less a seat belt, my lifestyle up until this point had been free and easy.
Turns out, the new case catches on fabric. Like every time he pulls me out of his pocket, and it’s not easy because the silicone is grabby, the pocket liner turns inside out and everything empties out.
Here’s why things aren’t as good as they used to be. Geoff blames me. He’s even hoisted me in a hand and made a throwing motion. So faux, as he hasn’t let go, but tensions are running high. All for something that isn’t my fault.
I coulda steered him to another case. If only he’d let me in a little, instead of shutting me out.
The next time you read a post in this newsletter, don’t forget about Geoff’s silent, mistreated partner. Let’s hope he keeps a good hold on me.
All the Best,
Geoff’s Phone
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That was too funny, Geoff! Who would have thought the thing would have turned into a spy tool?
Hmmm...the throwing motion...ditto