Why I R-E-S-P-E-C-T Literary Agents- Part I

Even When Tenderly Rejected

What makes a book compelling? Join me in reading good books and honing the craft of writing.

It’s tempting to disrespect literary agents. I’ve written—make that wrestled and sweated—several novels, queried scores of agents and remain—unpublished.

Authors have lots to beef about, and I’m not talking about via our strongly opinionated characters. It’s the query process.

Many agents’ wishlists are uselessly vague, “Send something that moves me.” Many use interns who understand the guidelines less than submitting writers do. Some agents list dozens of their client-authors, so many that even the most well-read writers have no idea who they are.

And while a few respond to queries with canned, even if tender, rejections, “Not right for my list,” most don’t respond at all. Which allows a writer to think an agent who can’t even write No isn’t particularly literary. Maybe that agent can’t read?

Of course, as a writer, what I really want is something personal, some proof to show the agent actually read the submission in depth. In other words, a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T. After practicing patent law and developing a thick skin, I’d even take a sarcastic comment. “I see from your thriller manuscript you’ve struggled loads. Ever think of turning out a memoir, Mantooth? No? Good.”

I think literary agents use the greatest invention since sliced bread for reviewing queries. It’s not Artificial Intelligence (well, OK, interns are a rudimentary form of AI). It’s something else.

The line at the grocery store is almost as long as the week Camelia has had. (Camelia is the fictitious agent created for this post; if there’s a real agent named Camelia, my writing career is charred toast.) Her inbox is stuffed because instead of reading queries, she’s followed up with three publishers on marketing to put her nervous authors at ease, extinguished a fire with an art department for having missed the author’s vision, and deep-dived into a promising manuscript and given notes. She needs to go home and put dinner on the table for her family. While waiting in line, Camelia pulls out her phone and starts reading queries. “My book is an historical love letter to post-earthquakian San Francisco and its resilience to bounce back.”

Swipe left. I don’t love this. No response needed.

Best invention ever for busy agents.

For authors, it gets worse.

Halfway through the first sentence of the next query, someone shouts, “Hey Camelia!”

This, of course, pulls her out of the pages, our pages. “Oh, hi!” she replies, wherein a conversation ensues about play dates next week for the kids, or finding a good school next fall, or a new podcast to listen to (because Camelia hardly has time to squeeze in another podcast, average episode length sixty-two minutes).

When the conversation ends, she re-immerses in the query, thinking, Nah, after the first ten words, I don’t see a lasting relationship.

Swipe left. Cleared another one.

Because email essentially makes submitting queries free, the Agent Tender Review App is the best invention ever for dealing with the onslaught.

Authors are taught to write what we know, which is the real life that swirls around us, embellished with drama.

What we oughta know is agents are just as busy as we are. If we struggle to find time to write a novel, agents are just like us, struggling to read our work.

So, what to do? In Part II, we’ll look into tips for both authors and agents.

In the meantime, here are some hardworking agents who not only rep authors but put in extra time to educate us writers:

Janet Reid’s long-running blogspot is full of useful info for writers.

Kate McKean

writes Agents and Books, providing some insight into a business full of uncertainties.

Mark Gottlieb blogs and speaks to writers.

Eric Smith blogs about querying.

Kristin Nelson wrote the informative Pub Rants for many years.

All the Best,

Geoff

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If you are a literary agent with little sense of humor, ask Substack to include a shooting option 👉 in the comments.